Chardonnay or Snuggy....?

The root of this post began to take root right about mid-holiday season. Friends are all "home" from where ever their new homes may be across the country, lugging car seats, presents and children to bunk up with their retirement-age parents for a week or two and celebrate the season, and are free to socialize (grandparents=babysitter!) One such Friday, my husband arrived home from work after a busy week, happily changed his clothes, grabbed 10 or so of his favorite cigars and and lucky poker-chips for poker night with the guys. Sitting in the kitchen chair tying his shoes, he enthusiastically informed me I had the opportunity for a babysitter so I could go out, too. "Uh, no thank-you. I am going to have a great evening in!" I told him excitedly. He kind of paused, looked up, paused, furrowed his eyebrows and (with all genuine sincerity) accused me of not having any 'real' friends. I rolled my eyes laughed, and responded with a sarcastic remark about rounding up all my pregnant gal-pals and heading up to the malt shop for a root-beer float on a Friday night. He just couldn't fathom how staying at home alone on a weekend was any comparison to male bonding time, sampling the seasonal lager and staying up past 10, and if I had any real friends they would all be jumping at the chance to 'go out' (whatever that means). With a concerned "Well, when WAS the last time you went out at night with the girls?" he was on his way out the door.

I made one final snort at his response and finished dressing the kids for bed so I could start my own night by myself (YAY!), but found my mind wondering "Is he right? Is it normal to not go out with the girls, or at least want to go out with the girls on a free night when I have a perfectly good babysitter? If this isn't normal does that mean I don't have any real friends? Am I some social freak of nature that I would rather sit at home eating Chex Mix, wearing my Snuggy watching 'my shows' for the night and loving having absolutely no one to have to converse with for 3 whole hours before I go to bed early? Gulp. Yup. I better find out if I am on my way to becoming the next cat-lady, star of Hoarders or Ricki Lake guest star because I am so weird."
So I did my homework and was actually shocked and surprised at what I found. After asking 32 women between the ages of 24-40 how many times a month they went out with their girlfriend without their guy (ie. boyfriend, fiance, husband)and what they did only 2 women said once a month. That's right: only 6.25% of women from my sample, single, married, childless up to 6 children had a ladies night once a month and the two who did admitted it was for one of those at-home-parties. So I found out that I am in fact 'normal' among other women. Having a few hours of free-time as a mother (ha! What does that mean again?) is a rarity, shouldn't I be able to spend them however I like? These days even women without children have very demanding career schedules or are busy devoted wives and most confided they feel the same way: silence, and solidarity is a beautiful thing when we can grasp it. Almost all agreed they would rather have a night at home alone doing what they wanted to do after a busy week of tending to the needs/wants of others. However, is it OK for us not to have a ladies night? To get out and girl-gab in an organized setting like our loving spouses do every 30 days over tortilla chips and beer? Do we have too much solidarity and not enough socialization? Is it healthy for our social lives?

Here is my conclusion: Yes. It is totally fine.I meet friends for coffee or breakfast once every two weeks and the Bible girls every Tuesday--that totally counts as "organized time". My girls"count" and are very real friends even though we are not bonding over Chardonnay and pretending to be card sharks till 11:30pm (ahem, we were fast asleep before the news, thankyouverymuch!). The one I call when I need to announce for the 5th time this month that I am voting myself "Worst Mother of the Year" and I know only she will understand and not pass judgement on the fact that my one year old has yes, in fact ingested an entire pack of Bubblicious. The one I text two photos of and either tells me "Yeah, that weird rash definitely has a name and is NOT normal" or "Dang! You look great in that dress!" (even if I don't--she knows to say it.) The sister who tells me "Yup, most husbands are missing a brain stem. They shouldn't have to be told that the vents need to be cleaned! Geeze, what's wrong with him" even though I can bet she loves my husband nearly as much as I do. The girlfriend who offers cleaning advice, baby recalls, and tells me about the great deal at Kroger so I don't miss out. The one who bluntly tells me I'm completely wrong, to stop being a freak and obsessing about the 'right shade of honeydew', yet is somehow never offensive. The one I meet for coffee, lends me her favorite shoes, watches my kids on short notice, my dear mother who I can lean on when I need a good cry or the best recipe, the mother-in-law who can always make me laugh and lend me cute jewelry. The friend I see every drop-off and pick-up who commiserates about the terrible parking, is great conversation and tells me there is oatmeal in my hair (again) and gets it out (without combing--hello, the frizz!). The one who always has the right spiritual words of encouragement, prays with me, or sends me a card just when I need it. The one who laughs at me when I fall in the parking lot, but is also genuinely concerned if I'm OK. The girl I volunteer with. The one who I only have 10 minutes to chat with because we are "so busy" but no time has passed since last month. The one who knows my love for 'Spun Gold' and would know to pick me up a tube in a flea market if she ever found one.

To be honest, I would be disappointed if I had to condense all of these great ladies into one room for a few hours of 'girl time'. Don't get me wrong: I also have the friend I'll share my Chardonnay with after the baby comes, but to me those brief moments, minutes, texts, emails, calls, cards, prayers, jokes encouragement, correction and preciously different personalities are worth way more than any consolidated girl time. I have realized we women, mothers, wives and friends are so happy blessed to have all these moments with our ladies and so.... I have accused my husband of not having any 'real' friends. :) Yup. He's definitely not normal.